Driven to Drink

If I should meet my demise suddenly or unexpectedly, please be assured that I will have died a happy man. I’ve now — officially, unequivocally, indelibly, and horrifyingly — seen it all. The Hidrate Spark has arrived. (Insert primal scream here.)

You can learn all you need to know about the extent to which absurdity, inanity, and our insatiable need to be told what to do and when to do it prevail on the Hidrate Spark’s website. It’ll likely give you all the preaching you can stomach about fluid intake, timing, and quantities. It’ll also give you all the sales-inducing titillation you can handle with supremely fit, scantily clad young bodies engaged in all manner of invigoratingly enticing, calorie-shedding activities. And you can be just like them, as long as you pony up anywhere between $46.95 and $54.95 … for a WATER BOTTLE!

And there’s more: You can sync your new Hidrate Spark with Apple Health Kit, Google Fit, Jawbone Up, and Under Armour (which gives you the added bonuses of linking with MyFitnessPal and MapMyFitness).

With those indispensable apps you can customize your hydration goals and hydration history. You can see your Hidrate Spark’s last paired location on a map (in case you lose it and can’t even find it by means of its built-in light). You can receive all kinds of fun notifications. (“Hey, Dipshit! Take another swig!”) Most important, you can keep an eye on the hydration habits of your friends. (Nothing says social like checking up on each other’s fluid intake.)

But if you really want to know how far we’ve fallen — and if you consume enough fluids to compensate for the ones you’ll lose when you puke — you really need to visit the About link on the Hidrate Spark’s Facebook page. Among other retch-inducing gems, you’ll find this:

Here’s how it works:
1. Input your physical perameters (gender, height, etc.) and activity level in our app.
2. The app automatically generates how much water you should drink per day.
3. Fill your water bottle up and drink water!
4. The app reminds you when to drink, and tracks your progress.

I think I might have been all right if it hadn’t been for #3. That’s the one that cemented the reality that our prospects are as bleak as I’ve feared they are for quite some time.

The future is now, kids. Drink up.

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors, courtesy of