I’m Going Digital

by | Jan 11, 2016

I’ve fought it long enough.

In recent days, there have been reports published by Deloitte, PwC, Ernst & Young, Boston Consulting Group, Accenture, KPMG, Bain & Company, Booz & Company, McKinsey & Company, and Artie Fleegleman & Company stating that — despite our best and most quixotic efforts to resist — we are, indeed, in The Digital Age. That many experts can’t be wrong. So, I’m detoxing from analog.

Here’s my 12-step program:

  1. I’m getting a digital watch. I can tell time on one of those regular watches. But too many hands remind me of a lame Eagles song.
  2. I’m getting a digital thermometer. This is 2016. There’s just no need to stick a glass tube up y0ur … never mind.
  3. I’m also getting a digital meat thermometer. If I’m not willing to use a rectal thermometer on myself, I’m not giving PETA a chance to have mine my butt by sticking anything up the derriere of a helpless animal.
  4. Speaking of helpless animals, I’ll be getting a digital garden thermometer so the birds that frequent the feeders in my yard will know when it’s warm enough to start digging for worms again.
  5. Since much of what I’d been feeding my feathered friends consisted of burnt rejects from my crummy (and crumby) analog toaster, I’ll be getting a digital toaster to pop up more desirable slices of toast … and the occasional bagel, of course.
  6. I’m going to start using a digital stopwatch. When you’re as important as I am, you have a lot of things to do. And when you have a lot of things to do, you can’t risk spending too much time on any of them.
  7. The diet I adopted as one of my New Year’s resolutions will, no doubt, require a digital food scale. When every quarter of a calorie counts, springs, levers, and counterweights just won’t get it done.
  8. To measure my progress on said diet, I’ll be picking up an extra-large-display digital bathroom scale. If the numbers are big enough, I’ll be able to weigh myself without putting my glasses on, which means I won’t have to encounter my pitiful physique in the mirror.
  9. I’m biting the bullets and getting a digital safe because you can’t be too … well … safe.
  10. After fighting with my unruly mop for all these years, I’m finally getting a digital hair straightener.
  11. When you perspire as much as I do, especially under the pressure of having to crank out blog posts like this one, you need a digital water bottle.
  12. And to ensure my punctuality and my chronological orientation, I’m getting a digital calendar. Look. I’m not getting any younger, all right?

So, bring it on, 21st Century. Analog is so yesterday.

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Image by geralt, courtesy of pixabay.com.