I’ve fought it long enough.
In recent days, there have been reports published by Deloitte, PwC, Ernst & Young, Boston Consulting Group, Accenture, KPMG, Bain & Company, Booz & Company, McKinsey & Company, and Artie Fleegleman & Company stating that — despite our best and most quixotic efforts to resist — we are, indeed, in The Digital Age. That many experts can’t be wrong. So, I’m detoxing from analog.
Here’s my 12-step program:
- I’m getting a digital watch. I can tell time on one of those regular watches. But too many hands remind me of a lame Eagles song.
- I’m getting a digital thermometer. This is 2016. There’s just no need to stick a glass tube up y0ur … never mind.
- I’m also getting a digital meat thermometer. If I’m not willing to use a rectal thermometer on myself, I’m not giving PETA a chance to have mine my butt by sticking anything up the derriere of a helpless animal.
- Speaking of helpless animals, I’ll be getting a digital garden thermometer so the birds that frequent the feeders in my yard will know when it’s warm enough to start digging for worms again.
- Since much of what I’d been feeding my feathered friends consisted of burnt rejects from my crummy (and crumby) analog toaster, I’ll be getting a digital toaster to pop up more desirable slices of toast … and the occasional bagel, of course.
- I’m going to start using a digital stopwatch. When you’re as important as I am, you have a lot of things to do. And when you have a lot of things to do, you can’t risk spending too much time on any of them.
- The diet I adopted as one of my New Year’s resolutions will, no doubt, require a digital food scale. When every quarter of a calorie counts, springs, levers, and counterweights just won’t get it done.
- To measure my progress on said diet, I’ll be picking up an extra-large-display digital bathroom scale. If the numbers are big enough, I’ll be able to weigh myself without putting my glasses on, which means I won’t have to encounter my pitiful physique in the mirror.
- I’m biting the bullets and getting a digital safe because you can’t be too … well … safe.
- After fighting with my unruly mop for all these years, I’m finally getting a digital hair straightener.
- When you perspire as much as I do, especially under the pressure of having to crank out blog posts like this one, you need a digital water bottle.
- And to ensure my punctuality and my chronological orientation, I’m getting a digital calendar. Look. I’m not getting any younger, all right?
So, bring it on, 21st Century. Analog is so yesterday.
Image by geralt, courtesy of pixabay.com.