Given the esteemed stature and hallowed reputation of this publication (to say nothing of its author), I was granted an exclusive interview with Albert Murfwhiffle, chief technology officer (CTO) at OmniTotal Megasystems. Al (that’s Al, short for Albert, not AI, short for artificial intelligence) is world-renowned for his eloquence and coherence in speaking about all things IT. But he’s held in especially high regard (and rightly so) for his pioneering work in digital transformation and his unerring knack for sharing his vision with crystal clarity.
What follows is a transcript of the interview. For the purposes of identifying the speakers, I’m designated by the initials, OB. Al is identified by the initials, AM (that’s short for Albert Murfwhiffle, not morning):
OB: So, Al …
AM: Did you just call me artificial intelligence?
OB: Sorry. So, Albert …
AM: That’s Mr. Murfwhiffle.
OB: Mr. Murfwhiffle. Right. Sorry. So, Mr. …
AM: Call me Murf.
OB: I only have an hour of recording time on this thing, for cryin’ out loud! Can we get started?
AM: Oh, is that a digital device you have there? I just love digi …
OB: STOP!
AM: [inaudible]
OB: So, Murf, what do you see as the most important strategic initiative for OmniTotal right now?
AM: The sole focus on our near-term horizon is maximizing innovative approaches to achieving customer-centric disruptions that will enable our clients — especially interactive e-tailers — to leverage digital transformation in their efforts to develop synergistic and evolutionary ways to improve the consumer experiences for everyone who enters their brand-scalable ecosystems and to help our clients achieve a holistic, reciprocal alignment between their need for flexible modularity and our need to move forward with maximizing our incremental revenue and profitability modalities with deconstructed solutions moving forward.
OB: What the hell did you just say?
AM: Shall I repeat it?
OB: Excuse me for a moment.
AM: Hey! Are those digital hearing aids you’re fidgeting with?
OB: [cupping his hand to his ear] I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. I just took out my …
AM: Is it the kind with the chip in it that analyzes and processes sound? The kind with noise-reduction algorithms that reduce background noise and automatically adjust themselves to audible changes in various listening environments? Cool!
OB: What?!
AM: Ya know, on the subject of digital, I founded OmniTotal for the purpose of achieving a contemporary reimagining of our compatible, incremental alignment with the limitless possibilities of digital transformation. I believed that by implementing an integrated approach to innovation, we could fundamentally reshape our optional asset mobility. Once we achieved that kind of a disruptive paradigm, we’d be able to harness out-of-the-box strategies to incentivize visionary relationships and — even better — to fully monetize our interactive, synergistic, fully scalable, optimally distributed, and completely extensible functionalities from the cloud with … are you ready for this? … complete transparency!
OB: [shrugs while pointing to his ears]
AM: You didn’t hear that?
OB: [stomps his hearing aids to splinters]
AM: Wait! What about the …?
OB: [gestures in sign language]
AM: You mean we’re not gonna …?
OB: [tosses his digital recorder under a passing cement mixer]
AM: But I didn’t get to the part about how digital transformation will make it so much easier for us to communicate ….
Author’s Note: After I get my new hearing aids and replace my digital recorder, I’m going to interview Mildred Gołąbki, whose new book, Death by Gibberish, doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of making any bestseller lists anywhere.
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Photo by RyanMcGuire, courtesy of gratisography.com.
