There are some things for which modesty and humility just don’t allow me to wish. But my inherent propriety notwithstanding, it appears I may actually achieve the status of Certified Home Brewer (CHB). I hadn’t dared hope. “And how, precisely, will you achieve such a thing?” I hear you ask. Quite simply, thank you, with my Bonavita BV1900TS Coffee Brewer (with stainless steel lined thermal carafe).

That’s right. By virtue of the authority vested in itself, the Specialty Coffee Association of America (SCAA — “Because great coffee doesn’t just happen.”®) will pronounce me a CHB as soon as I … well … that’s not entirely clear; although, I’m certainly welcome to become a member, become a sponsor, support the SCAA’s website sponsor (whomever that might be), buy advertising, or buy overpriced junk from its store. But I’m digressing from the glory of my becoming a CHB.

I can’t wait to get my new CHB barista jacket, with the snazzy logo above emblazoned across the back and embroidered daintily on the left breast. I’ll be rocking my CHB hair net, so as not to shed any stray strands of keratinous detritus into the odd filter or cup. I’ll have my CHB Certificate tastefully framed and proudly displayed on the wall in my kitchen. And I’ll try to be as gracious as possible to the hordes of media flacks and paparazzi that will be descending on my humble abode as soon as the word gets out.

I’m having a little trouble, however, deciding what type of coffee to use for my inaugural brew. It’s been quite a while since I was in touch with Juan Valdez. (He was always so helpful.) I want to make sure the beans I select drive globally sustainable concepts that produce positive outcomes across multiple industries and points on the supply chain. And, most important, I want to be absolutely certain my choice suggests no bias or inequality of any kind. God forbid my CHB celebration should end up being an environmental or political faux pas.

Anyway, as soon as new Bonavita arrives, my CHB certificate should follow shortly thereafter. Thenceforth, I’ll be sending out invitations to my CHB Extravaganza. When you RSVP, please let me know how you take your coffee — black or with cream (organic, of course, from steroid-free cows raised on corn-fed, humanely euthanized chickens) and sugar (guaranteed carbohydrate-free).

Everyone who attends the event will get a signed copy of my new book, Brews and Don’ts: Coffee in the Age of Special Interests.

Starbucks got nothin’ on this dude.